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Montreal only had 11 July days of over 30 degrees, but pretty much every other day had a “feels like 35 degrees” alert on the weather forecast.
Sandbags surround a triplex in Pierrefonds during spring floods in May 2017.
I have a solution and a Plan B and C to the punishing problem of climate change (or whatever they are going to call it by the time this goes to press. Here’s a good one: Wacky Wonky Weather; WW3. Where was I? I suffer from SAS, Short Attention Span.) And before I tell you what it is (my solution for climate change, not SAS.) let me say I just didn’t pull this out of my dill hole — I had someone else do it for me. (Just kidding.) I consulted with a number of experts who have each had over 10,000 hours of experience in telling what the weather will be like just from sniffing the breeze — farmers.
Farmers told me that the crops have been approximately three weeks late this year because of the heavy rains. But, they all say the harvest is abundant.
So, spring is three weeks late. Previous winter weather lasted three weeks longer, remember? That means autumn will be three weeks later and we will have warm spells in December. Then the whole thing starts all over again. (Where am I going with this? Oh yeah . . . )
What we call climate change is simply the seasons being out of sync with what we are so used to (plus a redrawing of flood lines, but even Venice had to go through that hundreds of years ago, and Atlantis didn’t and you know what happened to it.) Instead of going through the tedium and inconvenience of having a smaller carbon print, and being taxed for it whether we try or not, I suggest something that costs (Ready for this?): Nothing. Canada Goose egg.
We redo the standard calendar as we know it. Wherever it says winter begins – make it three weeks later. Then we redefine the seasons so each one is three weeks later. We shift all the seasons. Granted, it will be tough for the old folks (Baby Boom-booms) to adjust especially since they still use Fahrenheit, and miles per gallon instead of kilometres per litre. (Can someone tell me what an erg is?) The next generation will make the psychological adjustment when us geezers are all headed for that light at the end of the tunnel (which also has a Tim Hortons) so let’s just redefine when the seasons start, mark it on the new calendars and let it go. Simple. As for the Farmer’s Almanac — publish it three weeks later than usual so they don’t confuse themselves.
I promised you a Plan B and C, so I have to make them up:
Plan B: Mass hypnosis; the government initiates a program whereby every person is hypnotized into believing that spring is normally three weeks later. (March 20 plus three weeks) I suggest we have Justin Trudeau 1.1 do it on a nationwide broadcast. After all, he did hypnotize us all into thinking he was an OK guy.
Plan C: Head for the hills; what did whole civilizations do when the weather was beating them up long ago? They moved to greener pastures, so to speak. I say the government moves everyone to higher ground where the water flows away from them. (We leave the politicians on lower ground, like the pharaoh and the parting of the Red Sea.)
Plan D (bonus plan): We strike up an agreement with the United States whereby we rent all of Florida in the winter. In exchange, every Floridian gets free tickets to the Montreal Jazz Festival.
Plan E: And this, in my book, is the most practical solution: Ignore the weather. It is what it is. And work around it.
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